I return, after a rather prolonged absence from writing, by proposing a simple question that has been on my mind, and the mind of the American people, for quite some time. Where is Jeff Goldbloom? Our beloved friend from Jurassic Park and Independence Day has gone missing. “How?” we ask…and yet no answers come. The best I can do is offer a theory.

Now, first Jeff was a quirky mathematician who saved the world (or at least a fellow scientist, some children, and an archaeologist) from genetically recreated dinosaurs. That was quite an impressive feat. He had to outwit raptors with IQ’s higher than most American children, a Tyrannosaurus Rex, and Neuman. Yes…Neuman. How he did it, I don’t know. From the island, he somehow ended up on the East Coast…where he played a completely different character--a quirky scientist. This time he, along with the Fresh Prince, saved the whole world from a hostile race of aliens. Little known fact: The song “Just the Two of Us” was originally written about the time the two of them spent together in the spaceship.

Since that time, where has Jeff gone? No one truly knows, but I think I’ve managed to come up with a rather plausible theory, and unfortunately, it does not involve dragons. Well…I guess it could….wait…no…no…never mind. Anyways, Jeff is working on yet another plan to save the world. He plays a character that really stretches his ability as an actor. He’s a quirky physicist who saves the world from devastating earthquakes. He must fight through the dangers of Middle America with a street-wise extreme rock climber (played by Dr. Dre). In the end, they find that the earthquakes were not actually caused by a geothermic energy release, but rather by the rampaging hordes of those who want their money back after seeing Jurassic Park 3. Which reminds me…was Jeff in Jurassic Park 2 and/or 3? Did he skip out, or did the movies collectively suck so much that they have been erased from the memory of the American public? Just curious.

I hate that I’ve spoiled the ending of his new movie for you, but I’m sure you’ll still go see it simply to get your fix of Jeff. And if that’s not enough, perhaps a cameo will get you to the theaters. I’ve got two words for you: Rick--Moranis!

One more quick tidbit tonight…I just can’t help but comment on this. I saw a commercial tonight for the newest reality TV series. It’s called “Restaurant.” Wow…that’s what I have to say to that…simply…Wow. They intend to follow around a chef and his staff so America can see what goes on behind the scenes at a restaurant. Honestly, now…is this entertainment? Last time I checked, it’s called a summer job.