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US GOVERNMENT DEPORTS CUBAN EXILE

The United States Coast Guard intercepted a Cuban national attempting to reach US soil today. The exile, fleeing from the heavy-handed rule of dictator Fidel Castro, was hoping to make his new home in Florida, preferably on the Gulf Coast. He was hampered unfortunately by both cold water and eye-wall replacement, which slowed his progress to approximately 15 mph. He was apprehended offshore in the Gulf of Mexico and quickly sent back to Cuba.

The US Government has refused to release the name of the exile, referring to him only as “Dennis.” In an official release this afternoon, “Dennis” was labeled both as a “menace” and a “Category 4.”

Advocates of unrestricted immigration staged protests in Miami upon word that “Dennis” would be sent back. “How can they justify sending back such a warm being as Dennis? He’s only hurt 1 person.” While there may be some pulling of the heart-strings on this issue, few protesters were aware that Dennis was found to be in violation of the US trade embargo as well, trying to illegally bring in high winds and heavy rains.

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GULF COAST PREPARES FOR CUBAN DIPLOMAT

In an attempt to better US-Cuban relations, dictator Fidel Castro has sent his finest diplomat to the Gulf Coast this weekend. He is expected to reach the shores of the mainland by Sunday afternoon and proceed on a whirlwind tour of the Southeast.

The diplomat, going only by the name “Dennis,” has caused quite a storm on the coast, as many have chosen to leave their homes rather than open their arms in welcome. Some have even taken to boarding up their windows with signs warning “Dennis” to keep his distance.

When reached for comment, Cuban officials describe “Dennis” as “a warm, lively being” and “a true ambassador of Cuba.”

“He is a real mover and a shaker. Likes to do things his way and keep everyone guessing,” says Cuban General Solarmo Gonzalez. “We sent him to the US, but there’s no telling where he’s going to end up.”

Castro himself could not resist praising “Dennis,” as “being able to show America what we really think of it.”