Well, it’s been a while since I’ve had a chance to write, so naturally one would think I’ve got a ton to put down on paper. But no, no I don’t. Sorry to disappoint…but anyways. I have two topics to address today. The first is the innate laziness in every human being. As much as we try and fight it, it’s there. Think of all the products, inventions, and “innovations” that we’ve developed to make our lives easier: Remote controls, elevators, laser pointers, just to name a few. Let’s just start from the top. The remote control has become to man what a scepter was the ancient kings-- a symbol of power, authority, and order. We sit back in our thrones, now recliners, looking over our kingdoms, (living rooms), and see our subjects (children and perhaps small pets) in rebellion. But do we panic? No, we do not. We have all we need. We have our remote control. With a single push of the button, we can make something perform at our will, get loud, get quiet, dance (channel surfing). So the question is, do we have a remote control because we are too lazy to walk across the room and change the channel? No, I say, the remote control is mankind’s last vestige of true power. And that, my friend, is really why nearly everything now has a remote control.
On to the elevator. Now, the elevator may actually have some sort of practical use as it can be used to expedite shipping and other business deals where time is money. But in all fairness, do we really need one in every building over one story? At a time when everyone complains that they are out of shape and don’t have time for the gym, people continue to take the elevator at every chance, passing up some of the best cardiovascular exercise known to man. Besides the time factor, people will also plead that they are too out of shape to even think about taking the stairs. These are the same people that paid $50 to purchase a stair-master. Go figure. If I had my way, I’d shut down the elevators in office buildings, parking garages, and even hospitals….honestly, a little exercise will do them good. Okay, well maybe hospitals can keep their elevators…maybe.
Lastly, I move on to the greatest innovation of all time--laser pointers. Wow, what genius came up with this idea? Was the dowel just too heavy for teachers to hold? I just don’t understand. When I see these things it reminds me of the way cats and dogs chase spots of light on the floor. Is that what we’ve come to? Honestly, why don’t we just model our lives after our pets? They have little doors so they can just come and go without having to open doors. Now some will claim this is because they can’t do it, but I think they’re just playing dumb. We all know our pets are more versatile than we are. When was the last time you used your leg to scratch your ear? That’s what I thought. So why don’t we just put up plastic doors so we can come and go as we please? I’m convinced that it’s all a big conspiracy by door manufacturers. They realize people are just one small step from eliminating the inconvenience of doors, what with all those “keys” and such. I mean, who needs it, right? So I say, fight THE MAN!! Put up your plastic!
And that about wraps up my thoughts on that topic, so I thought I’d move gracefully into my next short discussion. I’m sure everyone has seen those sports drink or vitamin commercials where people ingest whatever it is they’re selling, and their body either starts glowing, has lightening coming from it, or starts oozing some sort of fluorescent liquid. Now, isn’t the idea of these campaigns to make us want to buy these products to enhance our performance? If that’s the case, what sort of healthy individual oozes a bright green liquid? And the answer, my friends, is athletes. Apparently, your body only responds in this manner if you are completely ripped, stronger than any human being can possibly be without spending hours daily in a gym. So, if people continue to be lazy and “innovative”, as they currently are, then they hardly have to worry about such side effects. I do suggest, though, that they ban these drinks and vitamins from athletes. It’s doing them more harm than good. Their blood is glowing, and that can’t be safe. All this time we’ve been testing for things like steroids, when in reality, steroids are only a way to get ripped, which leads to becoming an athlete, who can be negatively effected by sports drinks and vitamins. Steroids are a gateway drug to an even worse addiction, sports drinks and vitamins. We have got to draw the line now. Aren’t these people supposed to be role models? Then we can’t have them glowing and shooting lightening bolts for no reason. Someone can get hurt! One day, that glowing athlete could be your son or daughter. So, I close by asking all people to be open in discussing the dangers of sports drinks and vitamins, especially with your children. Encourage them to be lazy, play video games, and eat lots of fattening foods. It’s for their own good.
On to the elevator. Now, the elevator may actually have some sort of practical use as it can be used to expedite shipping and other business deals where time is money. But in all fairness, do we really need one in every building over one story? At a time when everyone complains that they are out of shape and don’t have time for the gym, people continue to take the elevator at every chance, passing up some of the best cardiovascular exercise known to man. Besides the time factor, people will also plead that they are too out of shape to even think about taking the stairs. These are the same people that paid $50 to purchase a stair-master. Go figure. If I had my way, I’d shut down the elevators in office buildings, parking garages, and even hospitals….honestly, a little exercise will do them good. Okay, well maybe hospitals can keep their elevators…maybe.
Lastly, I move on to the greatest innovation of all time--laser pointers. Wow, what genius came up with this idea? Was the dowel just too heavy for teachers to hold? I just don’t understand. When I see these things it reminds me of the way cats and dogs chase spots of light on the floor. Is that what we’ve come to? Honestly, why don’t we just model our lives after our pets? They have little doors so they can just come and go without having to open doors. Now some will claim this is because they can’t do it, but I think they’re just playing dumb. We all know our pets are more versatile than we are. When was the last time you used your leg to scratch your ear? That’s what I thought. So why don’t we just put up plastic doors so we can come and go as we please? I’m convinced that it’s all a big conspiracy by door manufacturers. They realize people are just one small step from eliminating the inconvenience of doors, what with all those “keys” and such. I mean, who needs it, right? So I say, fight THE MAN!! Put up your plastic!
And that about wraps up my thoughts on that topic, so I thought I’d move gracefully into my next short discussion. I’m sure everyone has seen those sports drink or vitamin commercials where people ingest whatever it is they’re selling, and their body either starts glowing, has lightening coming from it, or starts oozing some sort of fluorescent liquid. Now, isn’t the idea of these campaigns to make us want to buy these products to enhance our performance? If that’s the case, what sort of healthy individual oozes a bright green liquid? And the answer, my friends, is athletes. Apparently, your body only responds in this manner if you are completely ripped, stronger than any human being can possibly be without spending hours daily in a gym. So, if people continue to be lazy and “innovative”, as they currently are, then they hardly have to worry about such side effects. I do suggest, though, that they ban these drinks and vitamins from athletes. It’s doing them more harm than good. Their blood is glowing, and that can’t be safe. All this time we’ve been testing for things like steroids, when in reality, steroids are only a way to get ripped, which leads to becoming an athlete, who can be negatively effected by sports drinks and vitamins. Steroids are a gateway drug to an even worse addiction, sports drinks and vitamins. We have got to draw the line now. Aren’t these people supposed to be role models? Then we can’t have them glowing and shooting lightening bolts for no reason. Someone can get hurt! One day, that glowing athlete could be your son or daughter. So, I close by asking all people to be open in discussing the dangers of sports drinks and vitamins, especially with your children. Encourage them to be lazy, play video games, and eat lots of fattening foods. It’s for their own good.
